Thursday, July 12, 2012

Thunderstorm Nightmares

I'm suffocating. I can't breathe.
Do I even have lungs?
I am gasping for air that just won't come.
Who has sucked all the oxygen out of the room?

My eyes are open but I only see black. The room has started spinning like I just drank tequila shots all night. I feel my knees slam into the floor shooting pain into my nerves and up into my thighs.
I hear thunder. Flashes of light brighten my vision for a split second. During that split second I see his face.

I haven't thought of this man in such a long time, why is he here now? I thought I had told him to stay away. Stay away forever!

The room flashes again with the crack of lightning following. I see his face again.

This is the face of a man who is capable of raping me and stabbing me over 30 times. Just seeing him for this brief second is enough to make my heart skip 4 beats and my lungs to completely shrivel up as if they hadn't been used in years. I felt dead. None of my body parts were working at this moment, I might as well have been.

Suddenly my heart finally beats, a big, strong, jolt your body awake beat. I grab my chest, the beat is so hard it hurts. Clutching my chest does nothing but I feel it's the only way to keep my heart inside my chest and not beat out onto my lap.

Why is he here? I told him to leave and to never show up again! I trusted my body to fall asleep and let my mind take control and this is what it does to me? I thought I had told it differently. I Practiced controlling my mind to behave and training it to be good, wasn't that enough?

Lightning flashes once more and his face is closer now. Inches from my face. Knife in hand ready to be released up into the air only to be plunged downward.

This image I see is so real, I can feel my arms tied up above my head. The sound of the high school band practicing in the garage just on the other side of the wall. The music is not loud of enough to drown out the ripping of my clothes, and the horrid sound that happens when a knife punctures human skin.
It's sickening.
I scream but no sound comes out of my mouth. The music in the background drowns out and the sounds of heavy breathing and grunts as he tries to control me to stop struggling. I kick. I thrash. The more I move the more he moves that blade into me over and over.

With so much blood, you can actually smell the copper fragrance in the air. The pain is so horrible I can't struggle any longer, I can only scream, but barely. He shoves the blade into my mouth going parallel with my lips. The blade cuts the corners of my mouth making it difficult to keep my mouth open enough for the scream to come out loud enough. I still try my hardest to scream but my throat is raw and my chest hurts. I'm getting weaker and my voice isn't as loud as I need it to be.
I can feel the tears streaming down my face, it feels like I am drenched from tears alone.
Buckets of tears.

Why doesn't anyone hear me?
I need help!
Where is Kyle?

Everyone is in the garage adjacent to the room I'm in. It's a spare room that is used for us teenagers to do homework while our friends jam out. The room is complete with bed, couch, mini kitchen, and personal bathroom. The garage is attached and I know they wouldn't be able to hear me scream with all the noise they are making in there. I can only hope that this is close to the end of the song, where they will pause to take a break and hear my cries.

No, the music doesn't stop, it gets louder. I'm being further unclothed. Naked. Strips of clothes liter my body. Then the unthinkable. I'm violated. My first time was not by choice. I was horrified. If he could claim to have been my friend, and he could do such an act to me, then what else is he capable of?

I need help!
Help! Please someone help!
Please, if there is a God out there, make the electricity turn off causing the music to go deaf.
They would hear me then, for sure.
Please, someone make the music stop.
I need help.

Get him off of me.
I'm going to be sick.
I think I black out, who knows for how long.
The music.
Has it stopped?
Or did I go deaf?
Someone heard me.
I had been screaming.
How did I not hear this myself screaming now?
I could feel the scream in my chest and on my face, but I could not hear it.

I feel the man on top of me be thrown to the floor. I black out.
I'm being shaken.

I wake up. Shaken awake by a familiar and loving face.
It had been a dream.
He isn't here.
It was only a dream.
It was only a dream.
It was only a dream.
It wasn't real.
Just keep telling yourself that.
Breathe in breathe out.
My throat is sore. I guess the screaming was real. Thank goodness I was awoken. I could still hear the lightning and the thunder outside. That too was real. Damn acts of nature caused me to relive another horrible memory. How I have so many is beyond my comprehension of luck.
Nightmares. Thank you, I will no longer be able to sleep tonight. I will be haunted of these visions all day long. Nightmare, you will be a dark rain cloud over my day and rain down on my where ever I go.
Nightmare, you make me sick.

1 comment:

  1. thundersum nightmares are thundersome..superlike...


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