Saturday, June 23, 2012

Covered in blood and screaming

Yesterday I came across some old memories that stuck with me all day and continued throughout my dreams. This is not unusual for me since these memories are combined with such love and happiness but also with so much pain. I came across the scrapbook I had created of my relationship with an old boyfriend from high school. 
Kyle and were together for almost 6 years. We were the couple that stuck together before, during and after high school. I think at the time I had honestly thought that he was going to be the one for me forever and we would be that 1% that turned their high school relationship into a marriage. That's what I wanted. 
When I was 17 I was sexually assaulted by a close and mutual friend. This resulted in 32 stab wounds, and a depressed and miserable teenager. It was something that I could never quite get past and it effected me every day and night. 
The fact that Kyle wasn't there to prevent the incident from happening drove him crazy. Kyle didn't want to see me in so much pain and not be able to help me in any way. He felt just as depressed and out of control with his emotions as I did. 
After much conflict between us he had finally decided that he was unworthy of living his life. After discussing the assault for what felt liked the hundredth time, he stormed out of the room into a near by bathroom that was on the opposite side of the house so therefore it was hardly ever used. I saw this as unusual for him so I quickly followed. I slowly pushed open the door and made eye contact with him. His father's revolver was lodged in his mouth. 
A second later I was on my knees covered in blood, and screaming. I screamed for what felt like hours until I couldn't breathe anymore let alone scream. I could taste the blood, smell the blood and it was making me sick. My throat was done and I was half tempted to grab the gun myself. How could he do this to me? As if we weren't going through enough at the moment? What did I do to deserve this? 
For a long time I blamed myself. I thought maybe I had overwhelmed him with my own problems and caused him to not be able to handle it all. I know now that what he did was his own decision and nothing I could have said or done could have changed that. His mind was made up. He knew that this was a selfish move. He was taking away his pain but causing me a great amount of it in return. 
Some people can't handle the difficulties and obstacles in life. You just have to fight through it and keep your eye on the goal of finding happiness and love in your life. You need to have positive relationships and not hang out with losers. Everything happens for a reason. 
This made me a stronger person. I know if I could get through that I can get through anything else that comes my way. 
It's just unfortunate that these memories still linger on in my dreams so much. I sometimes wake up and I can feel the blood on my skin, and taste it in my mouth just as I first did that day. The only cure for me is a long hot shower. I rinse off the invisible blood and the memories down the drain. This makes it easier for me to be the best mother and wife I can be without letting negativity rule my life.

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