Friday, July 6, 2012


Jealousy. Such a annoying emotion but also, believe it or not, pretty important.

I've been in both types of relationships. One with too much jealousy and lack of trust, can be overwhelming and out of control causing lots of arguments. With not enough jealousy or protectiveness as I like to think of it as, you think he doesn't not care or can't stand up for himself.

I prefer a relationship with an even amount of trust and jealousy. I'll give you an example of this perfect man, at least how I view perfect anyways.

There will be this guy, so we'll call him Patrick.
Think Patrick Dempsey not Patrick from Sponge Bob.

Patrick is jealous, or more so protective in the way that makes it cute when you and Patrick are out in public and he sees another guy checking you out, (which he always notices, he has a sixth sense for these things) Patrick makes eye contact and gives him a nasty look as he puts his arm around me and plants a soft kiss on my lips.

This is a subtle and I think heart melting show of affection. Patrick cares about who checks you out tries to eye fucks you and makes his statement by also getting brownie points with me, by giving a hug and kiss unexpectedly. An over jealous Patrick would get in the guys face and cause a scene making you in a very dramatic situation. And a Patrick who wasn't jealous would pretend to not see the guy and pretend to melt into the background like a little pansy.

In a perfect relationship with Patrick we would have this trust together that allowed us both to have friends of the opposite sex, because lets just face the facts, we all have friends of all sex, color, and race.
I don't care if Patrick communicates with old friends from high school or even past girlfriends because I know I can trust him to know that it would be friendly hellos only, with nothing more to worry about. Patrick feels the same way with me.

He's protective enough of course that we freely give each other our computer and phone passwords so if we needed to get into them, we could. We both had nothing to hide from one another. In fact it wouldn't be unusual for us to be found using each others phone for our own personal use.

Patrick is in control of his emotions and his love and can be trusted completely to know that he will never intentionally do anything to hurt me. Just as Patrick also knows that he can trust me completely and know he is the only one I want to be with. We both understand that this trust and love means having an open and honest relationship. Having an open and honest relationship is very important to both of us so we always make sure that we communicate as much as possible.

Communication is so fragile so we reassure one another and make sure we are both on the same page. It's something we have always done together just naturally because we both feel the same way about almost everything. Patrick and I are a perfect match.

I'm Patrick's milk to his cookie.
Patrick is my creamer to my coffee.

We're awesome on our own and together we combine our awesomeness like superheros and procreate to have more awesome offspring.

Ok, maybe I went a little overboard with the babies, I still have one in diapers so I won't get ahead of myself here.

This is the dream I had in my head since I was first dating.
I can honestly tell you know that I have found my Patrick and I don't plan on giving this relationship up. We have the connection I always imagined my Patrick would have. We started off as great friends for many years and I think that is the root to most of our happiness. Making a base to the relationship by knowing your partner as a best friend results in true understanding of one another.

It took me many failed relationships to realize this, but I think it was worth it to kiss a few frogs now that I finally have my prince.

My Prince Patrick.

Distant Star by Robert Bolano

Distant Star by Roberto Bolano

What is the book about?

Distant star starts off around the time of Pinochet's bloody 1973 coup and continues until the 1990's. The unnamed narrator, who I presume to be Arturo B. which is briefly mentioned in the preface, is so busy with Chilean poetry that he is completely taken back with surprise when many students are arrested, killed, or missing in the coup. He has taken a sudden and obsessive interest in a poet named Alberto-Ruiz Tangle who turns out to be an Officer of the Air Forcer named Carlos Wieder. The narrator begins some intense detective work, with the help of his friends, to find the answers he is looking for.

What is the book about?

I love a good horrific and violent book and this book is exactly that. Although the writing style reminds me of Juan Rulfo, who isn't my favorite, I can certainly see the appeal and value it for it's worth. It's a quick 150 page read that is unique and violent in it's own specific way. 

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I give this book...

Please support my blog and buy it now from Amazon! 

Grocery Shopping with Guns

I'm jogging while pushing a carriage through the grocery store. I'm repeating my grocery list over and over in my head and trying to remember the number of items I came to get. Milk. Juice. Creamer. Wow, am I really coming all the way down here for liquids only? I only then realized that I was up to 4 cups or more of just coffee throughout the day, not including the various amounts of other drinks I consumed instead of eating.

Eating takes too long. I have better things to be doing anyways, like cleaning or unpacking. Eating only makes me feel sick to where it probably won't even get to be digested before I throw it up. The medication does this to me. Sick some days and good the next. I can't even be consistent.
See, now I'm thinking about other things instead of the shopping list. What was it? Milk. Creamer. (We always need milk and creamer, so when it doubt grab milk and creamer) Uh, what were the other items?
Oh, look new Dunkin' Donut Coffee! It's on sale too???

Focus Elizabeth. Ok, I was quickly dodging people, promotional displays, and buggies down the asiles as I grabbed only what I needed off the shelves, without looking at anything else so as to not be tempted to buy anything else. Shopping is a weakness of mine.
I'm stuck behind this slow and unobservant walker who is oblivious to the fact I'm trying to get around him while he hogs the whole asile. I never look him in the face, if we make eye contact, I'll only size him up to see if I could take him which in turn will cause me to sound bitchy. He clearly hasn't found what he is looking for and is just aimlessly pushing the carriage along side him still taking up the whole asile. I slow down to match his speed, and try to looking at the tomato sauce to look like I am not being a bitch and following on his ass.

He's still slowly walking down the asile away from me. I decide to hang back with the tomato sauces for a bit longer until he's on to the next asile. I like to move fast through the grocery store but I like my space more. Especially since one of the items on my list was deodorant. I don't need some stranger watch me pick out my deodorant. Is it just me that finds it kind of creepy when someone watches you like that?

This guy, there's something familiar about him. From the back? I never saw his face. It was his stride! It was exactly the same stride that Kyle had. It was more of a cool guy swagger, with his hands shoved in his pockets and ignoring everyone around you as if they don't exist.

That's all it took for me to be sucked back into my memories.

I could see Kyle now, pushing the carriage in front of me while scratching his chin as he looked for something and nothing at the same time. He paused and shifted his weight onto his back foot just as I had seen him do millions of time before. His moves and actions were very predictable because he was so consistent.

Kyle shoves his hands in his pocket frantically trying to get something out. Instinctively I duck down behind my carriage for fear that I didn't understand why I had. I know this isn't Kyle in front of me but my mind is telling my eyes what they are seeing and I cannot control it. I try telling myself that I am in control but it sometimes doesn't work. I let myself slip into the memory and go with it. It'll be over soon. They always are.

Just like that, he pulls his hands out of his pockets. There's the gun. His fathers revolver. I'll never forget what it looked like. Mother of Oyster handle. Silver. Shiny. Always Clean. Never touched! Never touched! What is he doing with the gun? It's never to be touched! Never to be touched!

He looks me in the eyes as he puts the gun in his mouth. He closes his lips around it and pulls the trigger. A lot pop goes off and in an instant the asile is covered in blood. I fall to the floor further onto my knees and hug my stomach. I'm shot with the same emotions I was when I first experienced this memory. I'm in shock, immobile and stunned.

I hold myself tighter and try to focus on the smells of the grocery store I'm currently in. I don't smell the blood and gun powder. I smell cardboard boxes and industrial floor cleaner. It smells like a grocery store. It does not smell of blood and gun powder. I clench my eyes shut behind my sunglasses which I sometimes wore as regular glasses because they were prescription and I was sometimes too lazy to switch.

I open my eyes and the guy at the end of the asile continues to look aimlessly at the products in front of him. Luckily he's oblivious to the fact that I was hyperventilating quietly on my knees in front of the tomato sauce. I pretended to move jars around like I was searching for a specific one just in case he decided to glance over. My heart is going to beat right out of my chest and sit next to the tomato jars. I'm seeing little dots all around me and my vision is dark despite my sunglasses.

I counted the jars. Organized them in their right spot and tried focusing on getting the tomato sauce jars to look neat. Breathe in. Breathe out.

Sounds silly but this is the best way to get my mind out of dreamland. Organize. I've been known to have an anxiety attack and decide to organize my wallet. I know I sound crazy but getting my mind on a specific task is easier then trying to come up with something else to distract yourself with.

I just find things to clean. Doesn't matter where. I'll clean your house if it'll make me feel better.

This is a constant battle for me. I have tried for years to control it but sometimes it's completely out of control. My mind has it's own mind. I just learn to cope.

How to make money from writing by Richard Shepherd

How to make money from writing by Richard Shepherd. $13.99 from Smashwords.comLearn how to make money from writing. Follow the journey from the original idea to the finished product. This is a true story of how a published book was developed

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The Day My Daddy Blackmailed Me by Scarlett Skyes

The Day My Daddy Blackmailed Me (Virgin Mf Blackmail) by Scarlett Skyes. $2.99 from Smashwords.comAnna's Step-Dad, Harvey, is sick of being taken advantage of and treated like an open wallet by his wife and Step-Daughter. After Anna causes havoc by driving drunk, it's the last straw for Harvey and he threatens to end the marriage and walk. How far will Anna go to keep her happy home intact? Warning: This 5800 word story is intended for ADULTS ONLY and contains explicit sexual references.

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