I've never been too close to anyone my whole life. I move often, so friends come and go, and lets be honest, no matter how much you promise to "keep in touch," you just don't. Life gets busy and you lose contact. I find friends in other places, that replace the old ones.
See, the hard part about getting close to someone is that I'm a hard person to be with. I'm a weirdo. I date weirdo's. Some are good weirdos, brilliant and funny. Others, not so much.
When I get in these dazes of anxiety and paranoia, and I feel the crazy creeping in, I am instinctively looking for something to relieve it all. Something that will make me feel better. I try a variety of things, but nothing soothes me in the way that I need. Nothing is right. I am not sure I even know what I need at this moment.
In a relationship, I feel that somehow my man can help in somehow. Somehow he will say the magic words that will take me to a happier place, or he will give me a magic hug that soothes me to complete calmness. It never happens, because like I said, I don't know what I want. I am more disappointed that hugs and words didn't make things better. I hoped that he could be the comfort I seek, I in turn get frustrated with him.
The crazy is always creeping up and fucking up my closeness with everyone. I push everyone away if they can't give me what I need. How selfish am I? I feel no one can understand why I yell and cry in my sleep. No one understands why sometimes, out of my peripheral my coat rack looks like my rapist. For a brief second my heart beats out of my chest, I actually thought he was standing there for a split second.
My brain tells my eyes to see what it fears. It puts my heart into panic mode that can take up to an hour to calm down. My body doesn't listen sometimes and the haunting feeling that your not alone in your home can be scary enough to keep my blood pumping for quite sometime. I cannot be reasoned with in these moments. I'm scared, messed up, anxious and on the edge.
This makes hanging out with friends for a long time a little difficult, assuming we are not drinking. Drinking takes away all my inhibitions.
If only I could find someone who could understand why I'm such a paranoid bitch. Hey, at least I'm honest with myself.