I can literally feel the crazy start pumping through the me. The nightmares fuel the crazy. I can't control myself, the insanity starts to take over. I wake up and I can feel it slowly creeping up into my mind like a stealth bomb. I can feel it getting stronger and wanting to take over and make me into a monster.
It boils my blood and eats my soul. I cry for no real reason except for the fact that I can now feel the nightmares inside me feeding the crazy. I know I am going to explode. A volcano of pure anger at the world. There have been too many violent visions and depressing moments in my nightmares that have built up so far that I cannot stop it from erupting inside me.
I feel so alone in all this pain. If I were to ask for help, what would I even ask for? A shovel, to scoop the bad memories and crazy out of my head? Oh, I know what they'd want to give me, a straight jacket. No, I know I am not clinically insane. Just messed up. Very messed up.
My inner volcano bubbles over with anticipation of erupting for days before I do erupt. I can tell you when it's coming. Stay clear of me for at least twenty-four hours.
Phase 1: I cry. I sob. I push everyone away. I wallow in self pity.
Why must my subconscious remind of me of the violence?
What do I want that will make me happy, even if just temporarily?
Ice Cream? Too cliche, messy, expensive. No, just no ice cream. Yuck.
Take a walk? Yeah, sure it's one hundred degrees out, and lightning has been spotted hitting your front lawn just moments ago. That sounds safe.
Take a drive? No car.
Why do I need to always escape? Because it feels better to escape physically when I cant escape mentally.
So this usually leads me to Phase 2 assuming I don't actually run off somewhere given the opportunity.
Phase 2: Clean. Lets start with the basics, every day items like dishes, laundry, and vacuuming. Then it's on to the big stuff, I'm talking the forbidden junk drawer, cleaning. They type of spring cleaning that you find yourself scrubbing the grout on the kitchen floor. It's tiring, it makes you sore and completely distracts me from my volcano of angry fire.
I am now cleaning the ceilings. I thought they looked dusty. You know what else would be great? Cleaning out the refrigerator! Oh I could sanitize the whole thing and organize it in category! I'll make labels. Everything will be so neat! This gets me excited. I think I just had an orgasm just talking about it.
I'm kidding. I'm not that crazy. (wink wink)
Ok now I feel better, the memories and the volcano mean nothing to me when I can control the fridge. God I'm pathetic. I can't control my mind so I control my organization? Uh, nerd-a-lert! Yeah, so what I sleep with my label maker? So what, I find invisible germs in the bathroom and clean it until my fingers bleed.
At least my molten hot lava didn't explode out my ears causing me to yell at your for that book you borrowed from me in that first semester of college a few years back. You remember? I lent it to you and you never gave it back! Fucking Bitch! Let's fight about it for an hour so I can get erupt my volcano on you.
No one can escape me! The cashier didn't give me the gift receipt, I know I asked for it! Bitch! Let's fight
about it until I get kicked out of the store. Damn girl, you got issues!
I've changed. I have a clean house instead an arrest for disorderly conduct.