I wanted to be with Kyle in what I thought was the ultimate peace. The peace that only death could bring me. I was too much of a coward to do it myself but I wished and wished some higher power would find a way to take my misery away by finding an end to my life.
I thought it would be better for me to be a corpse then to have to feel all these emotions of pain and agony. Isn't it ironic that the very person that had caused a great deal of my pain was the very one I wanted to be with in the this weird ultimate peace I was obsessed about.
I even had one of those "life saving moments."
It involves a man of course.
I had a set plan. I was sick of seeing his face in my nightmares. The constant vision of his face destroyed by the gun he purposely put in his mouth. I was working 3 jobs and still didn't have money for anything but rent and bus money. I was working just so I could get to work and have somewhere to sleep every night. It was not a home, it was a room I rented out with a bunch of punks who partied every night.
I hated that room. I was only in the room long enough to sleep. Sleep meant I saw Kyle. I was done. I had nothing more to live for and I was sure of it now.
I gave away my belongings. I had one backpack with me left with all my possessions. I abandoned my room and rented a motel room. I ordered some very illegal and toxic drugs from a homeless man I had known for years. I always brought him cigarettes and leftovers almost every night. I'd walk half a mile to do it too. He gave the drugs to me for free. I knew it was a big deal for him but I didn't protest.
I left my belongings at the motel and headed off to my last night working at my favorite job, Blockbuster. It was awesome talking about movies with strangers. One week before this I had met a guy in army uniform at the Starbucks next door.
Stacey, the girl who worked at Starbucks was crying hysterically in front of both of our workplaces. Some customer had been awfully rude to her. I promised her I would help her relax over some drinks after work and everything would be ok as long as she could make it through the next hour left on both of our shifts. I could see in my peripheral the guy in uniform staring at me while I told her this. When Stacey walked back inside I introduced myself and he flirted as he requested that I give him his info back to the recruiting station where he worked so it would look like he had gotten someone's info, and not sitting in front of Starbucks checking out girls.
Well uniform guy is waiting for me outside of Blockbuster when I go on one of my last Blockbuster breaks. He begs me to hang out when I get off work. He tells me all about his place (which I later find out is a sneaky way to get girls to picture your apartment so they feel more comfortable going back home with you because it feels familiar to her. Blew my mind.) and how much fun we will have, oddly I'm kind of hoping I can get laid one last time. It hadn't occurred to me until now?
We hang out all night and into the early morning. Were discussing suicide. He brought it up. He claimed to be a survivor of wanting to commit suicide. I asked him,
"Is it worth it to get through it instead of giving up?"
I'll never forget his words, he stared me in the eyes as he said
"It was worth it. It always gets better."
These of course are words that everyone who knows that your going through some shit, says to you. I normally nod and give them a fake smile and thank them. Now I hear the words coming out of uniform guy's mouth and I feel like what he was completely true.
I clung on his every word and wanted to live on his philosophies. He sounded so put together and complete. He too had seen some horrible things so I felt if he could do it I could too. I crashed on his couch for weeks abandoning the hotel room and everything else in my past.
Eventually I got a one night stand but it then turned into a 3 year relationship. None the less, I know he saved me. Something about his words and his belief in me as a stranger was what pulled me through. I'm glad I opened myself up to someone and trusted them because without it I would have gone back to that ghetto motel, this I know for sure.